Life is often lived according to expectations. Whether cultural, parental or self-imposed, expectations lead us to place demands on ourselves.
Undoubtedly, living by strongly held beliefs about what we ought to be doing and should be like can be a powerful motivator for success but when expectations become unrealistic, or are incongruous with our true desires, feelings of failure and distress can arise. From my personal experience with depression, I have come to realise that the demands I place on myself through feeling that I should be doing this or that can be very detrimental to my mental health.
The dreaded ‘shoulds’ plague us perfectionist personality types. Recently, I have been trying to examine my motivations in life and have made a discovery; most of what I do is guided by the expectations of others (or more accurately, what I think others expect of me). For a while I have felt trapped in my job. Why do I keep dragging myself in and slaving away day after day? Because I should be able to cope. Because I shouldn’t let it get me down. Because I don’t want to disappoint my parents and because I should try to impress my managers.
Walking away is not something I expect of myself and so I have kept on trying to do what I think I should be doing despite the stress that entails. What if we stopped caring about others’ expectations and threw out our own? Imagine the freedom – freedom to just be and to expect nothing but the unexpected.
Noticing the shoulds can be the first step to lowering expectations of perfection and being just a little kinder to yourself. After a few set backs, I have noticed them creeping in. I’ve caught myself thinking that ‘I should be able to cope better’. I constantly feel that I ‘should be doing better’ and ‘should be working harder’ but now recognise that what I used to see as driving forces more often lead to feelings of failure.
Ban the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary, it creates nothing but unnecessary pressure. If something is causing unhappiness you have options. You may feel that you should but is it what’s best for you? Let your motivation come from the heart not anyone else and be realistic with your expectations for yourself; we are none of us perfect.
Writing Through Tears 